I hope all are well and loved. My recent photo taken in hospital caused many to be concerned. Thank you for your kind messages. It is nice to know that I am cared for. Cared for by fellow travelers in the world whom I’ve shared quite intimate adventures with. Whom I’ve laughed and cried with. And whom I have followed into the darkness, even when my English words could not be understood by his Polish trained ears. That night, words were of no use to us anyway. Our embrace in the darkness created a bond that I pray will last forever. How I love you. For without you and those who have stood beside me, my life would have little meaning.
My hospital stay last week was due to complications related to my COVID infection, which was contracted right before New Year’s. My nursing instincts told me I had it, but the test I took came back negative. Exhausted and angry to not be allowed time to rest, I returned to work wearing an N95 on a body that could barely breathe. By my second night of work, my breathing had returned to normal and I told myself to stop worrying. There were other matters that requested to occupy my mind. Matters of love, shaky commitments, and dreams of a stable home life. Because I do not want to lose chronology in the telling of my gospel, I will forego the details. But as that drama was unfolding, I failed to realize the harm COVID was still causing within my body. Mild cramps and slight physical annoyances soon became so unbearable that I was forced to call 911 early Feb 10. With the entry into hospital came the official COVID diagnosis.
If one good thing comes from all of this, it is that I am beginning to break my silence. Last year was more than I could bear and it altered me in ways that I cannot yet see. I sank into a depression that took away my sense of purpose in life. It also stripped away parts of my ego, leaving me with seemingly nothing to share with another person. I had no fight left in me. At least not until I was forced to when not cared for properly. I was happy to see that spark that saved me from suicide when I was a teenager was alive and well and more controlled today. I consciously agreed to every move I made until I had signed myself out. That is why I have to be grateful for this event. It made me not only fight for me, but fight for my connection with you. I am still slowly reaching out to everyone, so please give me time.
What I want to say after being silent for so long is, never be afraid to love. Never worry how it will look to others, including family. Love makes and breaks families, and judiciously so. She only binds the hearts of those who are courageous enough to own love for ALL she is. Souls who are courageous enough to lay down their worldly concerns and allow their true light to be seen. Their naked vulnerability in all it’s strength.
If I have learned anything in this life, it’s that love always wins. Love has taken my parents from me, banished me from an entire religion, and has kept me in solitude many many nights. Love has also been patient with me as I have slowly learned her ways. She will not always grant me what I want when I want it, but when the lessons are learned and it befits all involved. Until that moment, I shall continue my practice of unconditional love and letting go. Always letting go…
Love, I will follow where you lead and serve others the best I can along the way. May your people be my people.
