"You must be the thing itself and not merely talk about it or look at it. You must be like the moth in search of his idol, the flame, who spurred with true desire, plunging at once into the sacred fire, folded his wings within, till he became one color and one substance with the flame. Just as the moth in his desire to know the flame was willing to destroy himself, so must you in becoming a new person be willing to die to your present self." - Neville Goddard (Power of Awareness)
I have taken to writing "Letters on Love" on Instagram. Sharing real letters and post I've written over the years describing how I saw life and love. In like manner, I've decided to turn to my old journals to share this part of my journey. Giving the teenage me the privilege of telling his own story. So here he is: Robert.
July 29, 1997
“Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.”
(Auntie Mame)
October 5, 1997
This past weekend, from the second to the fourth, I went to Bethel in NYC with my parents and some other witnesses. It was exciting to see our headquarters. The people working there were very friendly. While visiting, we met people from Japan, Canada, and my mom met someone from Italy. On the 4th, Saturday, I tried talking to a Japanese family via Spanish. It was very interesting and they took down my name and address. Now I think Bethel is the best step for me to take for my circumstances. I think if I’m out in the world any longer that I might be out of the religion.
On Saturday night, one of the sisters was being extremely kind to me during dinner. I felt that if she really knew me and my feelings, she would barely say a word out of disgust. When she went out of her way to help me get the ice cream our waiter forgot, I almost began to cry at the table. Now I’m working a little harder and studying a little more and hopefully everything will work out okay.
November 9, 1997
I’ve been working extra hard to overcome my sexual thoughts. Sometimes I even think about having sex with women. When I think about it, it just doesn’t seem natural to me because I’m just not attracted to them. When I think about sexual acts, I try to change my focus to something else. I got this idea from T.V. when a doctor was trying to help some people quit smoking.
I went onto the computer yesterday and read about how homosexuality is terribly wrong and what happens to them. I eventually had to just shut it off because I got tired of it. The really sad thing about being gay for me is that I always wanted to find someone who would love me and I would be happy with. Some people find this disgusting. In my mind I find nothing wrong with it. I love romance movies and romantic songs so much that I sometimes cry in the middle of them because I know that I will always be alone.
I don’t think I’m going to Bethel anymore because I would have to share a room with another man and that might not be good. Also, I want to have a place of my own that I can decorate myself and all that great stuff.
May 2, 1998
A lot has happened since December. First of all, and most important, I came out to my parents, Brother Watkins, and Brother Rosen. It was very interesting to do so. On the second Tuesday of April is when I did it. The only part that I’m ashamed of was when I cried in front of Brother Watkins. I’m ashamed because my tears were due to feeling lesser than him and I’m not. He doesn’t deserve my tears. I’m happy that I didn’t cry in front of Brother Rosen the following week when he got involved. As of right now, I am still a part of the congregation. If I ever meet someone, that will be the end o fit.
On May 16, I will be going to my first rock concert. It’s the HFStival. There are going to be over 20 bands there. I am so excited. I even bought Caitlin and Mark a ticket. They were really touched, but Sharon deserves all the credit. She is the one who stood in the rain for 3 hours to purchase the tickets. I’m really proud of her because she is suffering from depression. She is supposed to be getting me a little yellow ribbon for it, but I haven’t received it yet.
June 14, 1997
Lately I have been angry at the world and at my parents. I don’t really know why. Some of it is because of people’s prejudices. I guess I might have the same views as them if I was straight, but I’m not.
I’ve been arguing with my mother a lot this past year and I think it’s because of my pent-up anger. I say really mean things that I think make her cry and not like me. Tomorrow, I plan to apologize and start a new attitude. I was just telling my manager at work my decision before I left the restaurant. I hope to have a better relationship with my parents.
October 28, 1998
I must realize that if I think my life is lacking love it is due to myself. If I become honest with myself and let people know how I really feel and what I think, then I can open myself up to love others and myself.
I can’t expect this love to be returned from the people I give it to. But I can trust that it will be returned in some way.
I cannot hide from my fears. If I can dare myself to move out of my comfort zone, I can achieve the success that I want in my life.
October 29, 1998
Right now I really don’t like to talk to my parents and they probably know it. This is because I have held such a negative view of myself due to how they perceive me. I don’t want to put up with their attitude or lack of excitement for my life. Yet, I still must remember that even though I feel this way, it doesn’t justify any wrong behavior towards them. I don’t really feel that my views will change. I believed that the love one is supposed to receive from parents was the only love that I would get in my life, but I don’t think I’ll even get that. I don’t even know if I want it now.
January 21, 1999
In my life I want to feel like I have control of my future. I know that life is unpredictable, but you can make an event good or bad by how you respond. I want to feel loved by myself and by others. I would like to have my soulmate in life and feel a sense of ecstasy with him. I won't say feel complete because I want to feel that way on my own. The fear that I have right now is that I won’t find my soulmate. I feel like the people I will meet will eventually leave me because they won’t like me. I also worry that I might get bored with them. I believe I have these fears because people have left me in the past. I know that I need to work on myself some more. Right now I don’t have the energy needed for a relationship, but one day I will.
I reject these fears as my life path. I choose to better myself while interacting with the people I do get to meet and date. I also choose to tap into my inner strength and God, helping me to become more centered.
Who am I? What do I believe about me?
I am a wonderful child of God sent here to spread love to people who believe they lack it. I am a messenger of peace and a helper to the needy. I am all that Jehovah meant for me to be.
What do I do to support these beliefs?
I listen to ones who have not been heard and see the ones neglected. I feel the pain of others in order to turn it into the love they need. I recognize the frailty of the human heart, but also recognize the strength of the human spirit.
What have I learned about myself that does not work to make me happy?
I forget who I am when confronted with someone’s negative thoughts about me. I let them turn me into below average when I am spectacular. I forget the brightness of my inner self and stumble over words for fear that they will see my flaws. I become what others think I should be instead of what I am, a masterpiece of God.
January 29, 1999
Life is very short. I see that in the eyes and faces of the old, knowing that they were once where I am. Life is also full of experiences that can make us wise. The gray hair given to us over time may mark the number of challenges faced in life, but we can also choose to allow these challenges to cultivate wisdom. Right now, getting old means pain and death. I fail to see the love that comes with the experience.
Once we have spent years getting through life’s challenges, we should be able to spend our last days surrounded by the love God sends to everyone. Only everyone doesn’t know that it is there. They fail to use all of their senses. Their senses are numbed by the rush of the cities and the hatred they feel for others. They fail to let go of all the junk Satan has given them. To simply experience God’s energy. I am still trying to experience His energy. I know that it is there. I know that once I give up the hate, old pain and heart ache, once I begin to love all and treat everyone as gifts from God, I will feel God. Then I will be free from Satan’s grasp. Then I will be home.
March 6, 1999
I skipped school and went out with Neal yesterday. He isn’t a very attractive man, but he isn’t gross either. At least not with his clothes on.
Instead of driving to school in the morning, I drove to work and parked in the empty parking lot. Empty except for one other car. It was exciting to see Neal waiting. The day was sunny even if not very warm, but still perfect for an adventure. My first real adventure. I got into his car and we started to chat as if we knew each other for a long time. Or at least tried to. If I’m dead honest, he wasn’t what I was expecting exactly.
He drove us to Waldorf Mall where we walked around as shops opened. While moving down the almost empty halls, he would find reasons to come in close and brush up against me. An experience I’ve only imagined before. I’m sure my body responded in the way he hoped. I hoped. But as it did, I felt more and more out of control of the situation. The day I had planned was taking on a life of its own and I was suddenly the passenger.
After about an hour of window shopping, when the only thing for sale was really ourselves, we decided to eat lunch. While being led to our table at UNO’s, I noticed people at different tables spot us and begin to watch. What did we look like to them? I’m six feet tall and Neal still towers over me. He wore a blue button down shirt, blue jeans, and brown cowboy boots. His clothing was normal enough other than the boots, but his body seemed to have difficulty holding its shape underneath. It was as if someone first prepared and aligned the clothes and boots and then poured the contents equaling Neal into the outfit. It was then up to him to make sure nothing came spilling out. And was he ever close to spilling out from the oddest areas. I pretended not to notice. I instead tried to focus on his face, which was like a mask. He kept his aviator sunglasses on much of the time and his mustache, chestnut brown and as thick as a brush, took up the realestate that his glasses didn’t. In many ways he looked more like a caricature of a man instead of a real one.
After lunch, Neal drove us into D.C. where he showed me Dupont Circle, the major gay hub in the city. We went into a gay bookstore. He led me to the back where there were a lot of nude pictures, books, magazines, and videos. He let me have time to flip through a few magazines, asking what I thought. My main thought was, let’s go to your apartment. Before we did, he took me to one more store. It was an eclectic bead shop where he bought me a black rock with the Chinese symbol for happiness. Something that seemed possible in the moment. To be free and in love with a man and happy. I wanted to feel happy.
Neal’s apartment was small and could use my touch with decorating. He had a picture of his family up and it made me think about everything they had been through. A wife learning that her husband preferred a man over her. Children questioning their own identity when discovering that their father is gay and wants to leave. How much easier it would have been if he could just be himself from the beginning. No lies. Nothing to cover up. Simple truth. Not so simple.
Neal asked if I wanted to see his bedroom. So close to my goal, yet so nervous. Trying to buy a little more time to calm my nerves, I asked to use the bathroom. I splashed my face with water and checked my breath and teeth. I also checked his medicine cabinet for any medications. Well, half of his medicine cabinet. I realized I was taking too long and got even more nervous for snooping. I can only wonder what was on the other side.
Neal was patiently waiting on the couch when I came out. Our eyes met and he smiled asking if I was ready. I nodded and we entered his bedroom. He put on one of his porn videos as I made myself comfortable in bed. As we watched, we asked each other about our fantasies. My fantasies were mostly about romance and passion leading to an orgasmic experience that vibrated beyond the body. My current situation was far from that, but I didn’t tell him. While sharing, he took my hand and noticed how sweaty and shaky it was. He asked if I liked him taking my hand and I told him that I was wondering what took him so long. He then placed his head on my chest, and we began.
Unsure of what to do, Neal led in most things. He started to hug me and rub his body against mine. We began to have sex, not make love. He had no butt and was chubby. He never removed his undershirt. Probably trying to hide the dangling moles that my roaming hands detected. I ended up sitting on him. It was painful and yet pleasurable. I wanted it to end because I knew I didn’t belong there. I prayed to God to let it end. I started to go faster and move in longer strides to make him cum but he wouldn’t. When he did finally finish, we quietly laid in his bed. That part seemed very comfortable and natural.
After resting for a while, he started up again by giving me a bow job. I exploded for the third time and he said he could drink me all night long. That disgusted me even though I thought that when I loved someone, I wouldn’t mind “drinking” them. I think the whole experience lasted for an hour or longer. Now I can barely remember what he smells like or the taste of cigarettes on his breath and I wonder why I did it. I wanted to wait for love and I gave it all up to a man I hardly know. I can only pray for God to forgive me and for me not to have some horrible disease.
May 11, 1999
Last night was my trail with Brother Rosen, Draper, and Watkins. The trial was to decide if I am to be disfellowshipped. The reason why I was there was because my parents read my e-mails and learned about Neal. They confronted me one morning, demanding me to tell them who Neal was. I stayed silent. Not wanting to share anything with them, but they already knew. My password was easy to guess and they read in detail what occurred. They forced me to tell the elders. Now the trial.
When I arrived to the Kingdom Hall, I had on a pair of cargo pants and tennis shoes. I think Brother Rosen was upset about this, but Brother Watkins said it didn’t matter. The entire three hours was filled with embarrassing redundant questions about me, moving out from my home, and a whole lot of scriptures. Scriptures telling how I should be stoned. In the end, I was disfellowshipped.
That said, I didn’t show any repentance.
When I was alone upstairs, listening through a vent to the brothers deciding my fate, I clearly heard Brother Rosen express his upset regarding how I was handling the whole situation. I agree. I was very bored and I did laugh a little, but that’s also how I handle problems. I try not to show my upset. But last night, there was something that came over me. As a fly flew around the room, interrupting our serious conversation by darting at our faces, I couldn’t help but feel light. As if nothing in the world could touch me at that moment. It became easy to tell my truth and to not beg for them. To not submit to their definition of a spiritual life. Yet, when I was told my fate and released back into the night, the light embrace that shielded me through the trial released me. So much sadness and fear flooded in. I sat in the car crying before I found the strength to start it and drive home in silence. On the way, I started to sing the song, Smile, which talks about smiling even though I want to cry. That there’s hope in tomorrow. I hope that’s true.
Now I just need to make it though one more week. I can appeal within the week, but I won’t. I will attend my Tuesday and Sunday meetings, but I’m not allowed to speak or talk to anyone. With the help of God, I will be alright.
New Delhi, India