Many years have passed since I left home in search for love. I have to admit, I could never find it. Love was never in the place or shape I expected. I eventually tried to forget my desire. To keep my head low and not ask too much from life. I learned that my heart had little to no value to the world. Men were too focused on my color, dick size, the bass of my voice, or the shape of my ass. To place my heart in another’s hand was dangerous and foolish. He might easily drop it, strangle it, or forget it in the soiled sheets of another. Or simply forget that I gave it to him in the first place. It had no value unless it was used to manipulate for money or goods. That’s what the gay world made of me. What I allowed myself to become. Someone to be taken advantage of for your survival or ego trip.
I kept my promise and didn’t call Leo. Surely he would fade away like the others. Too busy looking for someone new. I couldn’t move on so easily. Our meeting opened an internal door I never knew existed. I always joked that my heart was constantly surprising me by displaying the depth of love it contained. Opening farther than my mind could fathom. This, however, was a depth that frightened my sense of self. Like the sea. A depth that seemed to have no limits. But with its opening, my soul had awakened. With oaths of devotion ringing through my head, my soul took the lead and we stepped through the door together.
Who hurt me? Leo’s question was stuck in my mind. I decided to accept his challenge and write a letter to those who hurt me. It was time to let go of the old hurts and move forward in life. Give myself a real chance to find the only thing I ever truly wanted.
It was a weekday morning at the start of September. I grabbed my laptop and headed to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden to write the two people who meant the most to me: my parents. Moving through the garden gates, I showed my membership card and passed security. I slowly moved down the paths, looking for just the right spot to sift through the memories and feelings. Entering the Japanese Garden, I spotted an empty bench that overlooked the pond. I took a seat, opened my computer, and put on my sunglasses so no one could see the tears if they came. I took a deep breath and began to write:
Dear Mom & Dad,
It’s been a long time since I last wrote. In many ways, there is nothing much to share. Life goes on. Day by day I make mistakes, learn, grow, and do it all over again. So let me speak on something old: love. I was once told that the love I seek doesn’t exist. Why go in search of it? For a long time that comment felt like a curse because the love I sought was nowhere to be found. I felt abandoned by life and even by God. How could something I had so much faith in not be real? There were moments when I lashed out in anger, screaming to God, asking why? Why have you forsaken me? Didn’t I have faith? Wasn’t I willing to follow your call? And in those moments something bubbled up underneath the rage and tears as it does now. A strong energy that is followed by calm. “You have to use it,” the calm would say. The calm often led to further tears as the sense of peace soothed my heart. That calm is the same calm that appeared as I had to make the choice to be disfellowshipped. It is the same calm that allowed me to leave teaching when I didn’t know how I would pay rent in NYC. It is the same calm that allowed me to leave bad relationships that would have cost me my inner self, my soul.
What do you want from me?
To know that I am God.
Although, I have always remembered the moment I heard, “You have to use it,” I struggled to know what “it” was. My story? My experiences?
Today, I believe the IT spoken of is my pain. Right behind that pain, locked up for safety, is all of my love. For years, I only bargained a taste of my love for what I wanted. A companion. Security. A sense of spirituality. But all of that was worthless because it was all done in fear and neediness. It was done without letting go of my fear.
Love. If I am ever to find the love I seek, I must be it. There can be no expectations placed upon others or life circumstances. No conditions. Am I willing to let go and love? Am I willing to serve and give of myself and not want anything in return? No partner or family or security promised. Not even everlasting life. Only the ability to love as I have always dreamed of love.
Within the calm, I say, use me and let thy will be done. Allow me to dance your dance. Take me where I am needed.
Yet, there are days when I lose that connection. My ego and its wants are triggered by past pain and insecurities through a person or event. I need to be needed and wanted and loved. I need security. The pain. There is so much pain in those moments that I find myself screaming out for help. It feels like I’m burning from within and I succumb to grief.
Are you willing to burn? To let the fire transform you? There is no other choice.
The IT spoken of yet again appears and must be used. So many of us turn away from it. We find false security in something or someone else to numb us from facing the fire. I realized recently that I am such a person and I can no longer run from it. If I want to fully let go and be whatever it is I am meant to be, I must face my fears and walk into that fire. Be willing to lose everything I ever believed in. Have faith. I don’t understand, but I am willing to give up my life. I can’t turn back. But I do know this. I love you. And I thank you for giving me life. For giving me the chance to take this journey. And for giving me the strength to follow my beliefs as you do yours.
Love
Bobby
As instructed, I did not send the letter. I printed a copy and watched it burn. Watched as the smoke swirled and lifted into the air. Soon after, Leo messaged. He wanted to see me again.
Taj Mahal. Agra, India.